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I’ve always had a hard time living. I’m grateful to my aunt and uncle for raising me, even though I’m not their biological child, but there was always an emptiness that couldn’t be filled. I kept wondering why, even though I have a mother, she never cared about me.”
“That’s why you came to see me like this, right? I want us to get along, so please don’t say strange things.”
“Even if my mother is being kind now on a whim, it doesn’t mean anything. Go back to the past and love me properly from the beginning. Do for me now what I wanted back then.”
“There’s no way I can do that. What are you talking about?”
“Really, the person who should have cherished me the most—my mother—hit me and abandoned me. Because of that, I couldn’t understand my own worth. I can’t interact well with people; I’m always afraid of others, thinking they’re living in a different world from mine. I’ve even cut off people I wanted to cherish because of that belief.”
“I believe in the proverb ‘The child is the father of the man.’ Do you believe in it?
I believe in it.
One study suggests that by the age of three, 80% of the things that shape a person’s life, such as worldview, personality, and thinking patterns, are established. On the other hand, another study suggests that three personality traits—conscientiousness, agreeableness, and emotional stability—change the most between the ages of 18 and 25. However, I think these three personality traits are built on the foundation established by the age of three.
We all grow up in our mother’s womb and are born. Therefore, it seems natural to think that we are directly installing our mother’s worldview, thoughts, and emotions from the time we are in the womb.
After we are born, we want to be loved by our parents, especially our mother, and we strive to receive that ‘love.’
As children, our filters for sorting incoming information are not fully functional. Therefore, the worldview, thoughts, and emotions of our parents resonate directly with the child’s heart.
For example, if a mother frequently uses the word ‘properly,’ saying things like, ‘You cleaned up properly,’ ‘You ate all your food properly,’ ‘You dressed yourself properly,’ the child is pleased by these words. They learn the rule that ‘being proper’ means being loved by their mother.
And so, the child tries to become a ‘good child who does things properly’ both at home and school to be loved by those around them. Many firstborns exhibit this behavior. This is often why firstborns are entrusted with roles like class representative or club captain in school.
This behavior isn’t wrong, and if the individual can face and control the underlying motives, these thoughts and behaviors can work positively throughout their life. However, if they don’t face these motives or if these feelings are too strong, they encounter many problems as adults. It’s easy to imagine what happens to people who are bound by thoughts like ‘I have to do things properly’ or ‘I’m not doing things properly.’
In this way, we live according to our parents’ worldview, thoughts, and emotions because we want to be loved. This influence is often unconscious. However, as I’ve discussed, the base of our worldview, thoughts, and emotions lies in the parent-child relationship.
Though our worldview has gradually changed, if we express it bluntly, parents are absolute and superior beings to children. Some may say, ‘I don’t think that way,’ but that’s because they see their parents from an adult’s perspective.
For children who can’t do many things on their own, parents, who can do anything by themselves, seem almost like gods. Children can’t eat, dress, or go out far on their own. Parents do things for children that they can’t do by themselves.
‘Anya loves her strong and cool mom!’
…Even if I can’t act like a normal mother, I’ll do my best with what I can do…