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“I’ve always had a hard time living. I’m grateful that my uncle and aunt raised me, even though I’m not their own child, but there was always an emptiness I couldn’t fill. Why, even though I have a mother, did she never care about me?”
“That’s why you came to see her, right? You want to get along, so don’t say strange things.”
“Even if my mother whimsically shows me some half-hearted kindness now, it means nothing. I want to go back to the past and have her love me properly from the beginning. Do for me now what I wanted you to do for me back then.”
“You know that’s impossible, right? What are you even saying?”
“If things were as they should have been, my mother, who should have cherished me the most, wouldn’t have hit me or abandoned me. Because she did those things, I can’t understand my own worth… I struggle with relationships. I’m always afraid of others, convinced that they live in a different world from mine, and because of that belief, I ended up cutting off people I wanted to cherish.”
[Conversation between Yuki and her mother from ‘Tomorrow, I’ll Be Someone’s Girlfriend.’]
Love, acceptance, understanding, experiences, play, attachment…
There’s no end to the list of things that children need.
If parents want to give these to their children, they must offer their children immense attention, time, and money.
But in reality, it doesn’t always go that smoothly.
Work, household chores, finances, school, lessons, stress, lack of sleep, and the parent’s lack of time…
Isn’t it true that only a fortunate few families can provide their children with all these things?
However, there is something even more significant that stands in your way when it comes to parenting.
That is the experiences you were given as a child.
☆ How you were raised
☆ What you inherited from your parents
If you don’t properly face and understand these things, your past will attack you.
“Once, I said the same thing my mother used to say to me.”
Have you ever found yourself saying something like this?
Of course, if those words make the child feel wanted, loved, and safely protected, there’s no problem.
But in most cases, it’s the opposite.
Suppose, for example, you feel uncontrollable anger when your child starts playing with their food or gets up from their seat during a meal.
It might be because, as a child, you were excessively scolded or even subjected to violence during meals by your parents or grandparents.
Understanding the meaning of these emotional reactions allows you to recognize that your feelings are not a response to the current situation but to past experiences.
When you have this understanding, you can tell your younger self, “You weren’t wrong,” and at the same time, patiently deal with the child in front of you.
However, in a 2016 survey on infant nutrition conducted by the Ministry of Health, Labour, and Welfare, 80% of parents with children over two years old reported having difficulties related to meals.
The idea that meals are enjoyable has become a distant memory for the child-rearing generation.
There were probably times during your childhood when your parents, who were supposed to love you, found you annoying.
When your parents thought of you as troublesome, irritating, or disappointing, you likely sensed those feelings.
When those feelings are triggered by your child’s behavior, you might end up yelling or having an outburst.
Becoming a parent is truly challenging.
In the blink of an eye, your child becomes the most demanding and top-priority concern.
And this is 24/7, without a break.
Having children makes you aware of the issues your parents faced.
It can also foster a sense of gratitude towards your parents and a desire to understand how they felt during child-rearing.
Additionally, having children can bring back memories of words your parents said to you and the feelings you experienced back then.
Use these realizations to aid you in parenting.
Spending time considering what you felt when you were your child’s age will cultivate your ability to empathize with your child.
When your child does something that makes you angry, this reflection will help you understand and empathize with their actions.
Know that the excessive emotional reactions you have to things involving your child are a means of protecting yourself from the emotions you had when you were their age.
Unconsciously, you’re afraid that your child’s behavior will trigger memories of your own past disappointments, loneliness, jealousy, anger, sadness, and desires.
As a result, you might choose to be angry, stressed, or panicked rather than to empathize with your child’s emotions.
Recognize that behind your excessive emotional reactions to your child lies another story rooted in your childhood experiences.
While there may not always be a clear narrative behind your emotions, keeping this idea in mind can be helpful.
And this applies not just to parenting but also to all relationships—family, friends, and work.