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“I’m not normal, so I’ve always been afraid of not doing things properly like everyone else, constantly trying to please others, worrying about what people think, not allowing myself to want things, and suppressing what I want to say, which has made me lose touch with my own feelings.
“Do I have to keep going like this for decades, hitting rock bottom and crawling back up over and over again in life?
“How long do I have to continue? I wish my thoughts would just stop and everything about myself would disappear.
“After my mother, whom I tried to trust, broke her promise, I became filled with suspicion. I stopped wanting to get hurt anymore and only thought about myself. And then, I just cut off Sun’s existence like that…
“‘Tomorrow, I will be someone’s girlfriend’—those were Snow’s thoughts.
“After experiencing abuse, parents tend to repeat the same abuse towards their own children while exhibiting the following seven psychological characteristics:
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Positive attitude towards corporal punishment: Believing that corporal punishment is necessary for child-rearing.
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Tendency to prioritize one’s own desires: Prioritizing one’s own desires over those of the child.
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Loss of confidence in parenting: Losing confidence in their own parenting abilities.
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Recognition of harm from the child: Recognizing harm from the child’s behavior or presence.
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Fatigue and exhaustion from parenting: Feeling tired and mentally drained from parenting.
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Perfectionism in parenting: Believing that parenting must be done perfectly.
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Dislike or rejection towards the child: Feeling dislike or rejecting the child.
In the field of psychology, there is something called “social learning theory.”
According to the social learning theory, people learn their attitudes, values, and behaviors by observing others.
Based on the social learning theory, individuals learn how to parent by observing how they were raised by their own parents.
Of the seven characteristics that correlate with the mindset of abusive behavior, especially “2. Tendency to prioritize one’s own desires” is strongly associated with all forms of abuse: physical, psychological, neglect, and sexual.
Parents with the tendency to prioritize their own desires try to fulfill the unmet needs from their own childhood through their relationship with their children.
Parents who experienced abuse in their childhood tend to lack a sense of competence.
In an attempt to fulfill their desire to regain a sense of competence, they may try to control their children through violence, words, or attitudes.
Moreover, prioritizing romantic relationships over parenting can lead to psychological abuse and neglect.
Children who have experienced abuse suffer various negative impacts on their physical and mental health.
Abused children experience deep emotional scars that can last a lifetime.
Two main negative effects on abused children’s mental health are “1. Trauma-related disorders” and “2. Attachment disorders.”
“Trauma” refers to the psychological wounds (trauma) caused by shocking events that threaten one’s life or existence.
A common trauma resulting from abuse is Complex PTSD.
One symptom of Complex PTSD is “disorders of self-organization.”
“Disorders of self-organization” involve difficulty in organizing one’s emotions and thoughts, leading to difficulty in controlling emotions or experiencing intense self-loathing.
For example, have you ever encountered someone who excessively depends on anyone who shows them a little kindness and constantly bombards them with messages or calls?
This behavior occurs not only in romantic relationships but also in work or friendship relationships.
“Attachment” refers to the instinctive bond to caregivers, such as parents.
Attachment is often translated as “affection.”
When children experience fear or anxiety, they instinctively seek comfort from their parents.
These actions of children are called “attachment behaviors.”
In response to a child’s attachment behaviors, parents hug them or speak gently to them.
This reassures the child, easing their anxiety and restoring emotional stability.
In normal parent-child relationships, attachment is formed by repeating such behaviors from a young age.
However, in the case of abused children, the parents, who should provide reassurance, become a source of fear, causing extreme confusion in the child.
In cases of neglect, where parents are absent or indifferent, it is impossible for children to gain reassurance from their parents from the start.
In either case, proper attachment formation does not occur.
As a result, what kind of behavior do you think children will exhibit?
Children will either “overly suppress attachment behaviors” or “excessively express attachment behaviors.”
“Overly suppressing attachment behaviors” is called “reactive attachment disorder.”
They cannot rely on others or seek comfort from them, even rejecting kindness from others.
“Excessively expressing attachment behaviors” is called “disinhibited social engagement disorder.”
Attachment behaviors are exhibited towards anyone at any time, approaching strangers excessively or initiating excessive contact.
Observe children at daycare, kindergarten, or parks, and you will notice some children displaying one of these behaviors from time to time.
Moreover, these behaviors continue into adulthood, so if you look around you or reflect on the past, you may recall some people exhibiting these behaviors.
Both “reactive attachment disorder” and “disinhibited social engagement disorder” share a common trait of “lack of empathy.”
People with a lack of empathy cannot understand others’ feelings, making it difficult for them to build long-term relationships with others.
A lack of empathy can also lead to a “lack of guilt.”
As they cannot empathize with others’ pain or damage, they cannot reflect on or regret their actions, repeating similar behaviors and causing pain or harm to others in various situations.
You may have experienced being hurt or harmed by such people once or twice, haven’t you?
Sadly, Japan’s current environment makes it easier for such individuals to thrive.
Adults who experienced abuse in childhood without proper treatment or upbringing are called “abuse survivors.”
The prevalence of mental illness, crime, and welfare dependence is higher among abuse survivors.
The lack of proper treatment and upbringing for abuse survivors is not only detrimental to them personally but also to society as a whole.
In Japan, where the population is declining, we need to compensate for quantity with quality.
Raising the quality of each individual Japanese person is necessary for Japan to compete on the world stage.
Confronting the issue of abuse may also contribute to raising the quality of Japanese people.
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